Age 5

Age 5—

Papa is big. His shoulders are big, his face is big, his arms and hands are big. He almost can't  wear his gold armbands and silver bracelets. He has big bear feet and big green bear eyes. He stands almost taller than all the fountains in the yard, and he makes his own shade when he stands on the veranda.

I don't see Papa a lot anymore. I miss him. He used to play with me a lot, but now he says I've got to learn how to be a real princess. He told me this when he named me. "Banu," he said in his big bear voice as I sat in his lap, in his study, "Banu, you're growing so big, you're as beautiful as your mother."

But I don't know who that is anyway or what she might look like, so I just smiled and played with his rings and necklaces some more. He plucked a ring from his finger, a huge ring with a big red ruby, and he gave it to me to play with. "Your name," his boom-voice struck, "You are Anil-at Krezur, the Platinum Leopard."

"Plah-tin-noom," I said.

He kissed the tiny jewel on my forehead and instructed me to remember my new name. I couldn't pronounce it, so he had my tutor instruct me over the next week how to properly say it. All of my servants and maids and page girls started to call me "Anr Anil-at Krezur" when they spoke to me. Not my sisters, though. Not my friends, though. To them, I'm still little Banu.

I accidently broke the ruby off the ring. It's so big; I use it to play catch and bowl nine pins and throw it at guinea hens. There isn't a scratch on it. Papa hasn't asked for it back yet.

---

Kurza came by at sunset before the last lesson. He snuck me out of the classroom, and we left out the back screens, going passed the veranda out onto the open courtyard. I'm too young to go passed the veranda by myself and Kurza is too young to be my escort, so we had to be quiet as we left the buildings further behind us. It was hard to stay quiet because we were laughing so much.

Kurza is a lot older than me. He's 11. He's my big brother, and I love him so much, almost as much I love Papa. He's so strong and smart, and he wears black charcoal underneath his eyes like a warrior. He's teaching me how to use the dagger. That's why we're leaving for the courtyard; the sun's low enough he can train me in the use of shadows. He tells me everyone needs to learn how to use the dagger if they're going to live in court.

When we finish, he gives me some sweet cake he stole from the kitchens. In return I let him play with my ruby, and we play catch. It's times like this I want to hug him and hold on forever, but I can't touch him, or any male that's not my father. I was happy to lie in the grass next to him and watch the stars though. He smells like Papa's cigars.
I snuck back into my chambers that night. Jarah and Nanat told on me, and I was whipped for it. I don't care, but I hope Kurza wasn't whipped too.

---

I was given a present today. The magistrate said it was from Papa, to celebrate my re-naming. He took me to the zoo to receive my present. It was a leopard cub. She was sleeping, and her eyes were only cracked open, but I saw that they were pretty and blue. The magistrate told me all baby's eyes are blue when they're born.

Her fur was silver instead of gold like the other leopards. I asked the magistrate why. He said that the cub is from a rare species of leopard, the largest of them all. When she grows up, she will be big, beautiful, and proud, just like me.

I got to touch her. I wanted to hold her, but she was sleeping and I didn't want to disturb that. Still, I petted her fur, and she was really soft to the touch.

I'm glad I got a leopard. I know my sisters got things like monkeys and ermine and hawks for their re-naming ceremonies—I think Neisa was lucky enough to get her own umbok. But none of them got a leopard, and I'm lucky enough to have one.

I named her Rezura, to sound like my new fake-name, "Anil-at Krezur".

I snuck into Kurza's room and told him all about Rezura. We started wrestling (using pillows between us, of course) and I managed to pin him to the carpet. He smiled really big all night.

---

I'm still learning how to be a princess. It's a lot more work than I thought, but it's fun. There are certain ways to cross your legs on the carpet, certain ways to dress your hair, certain ways to wear jewelry on certain days. My tutors say I do it so well. Even Nan Suri says I'm the most "dignified" of my sisters. She uses that word a lot with me.
I like learning how to be "properly imperial". This means I'm special enough to hold my head higher than any other girl in my company. It kinda hurts to crane your neck all the time, but it makes me feel like a swan or an umbok about to fly.

I also have to worry about what other people are doing in the court. They didn't tell me I had to worry, but I just know so. I know because my sisters are always concerned with what I'm doing and what Papa's doing and what his wives are doing and what the advisers and nobles and harem girls are doing. And what they themselves are doing, too.

For some reason they don't care about the servants or maids or pages or guards. I asked Nanat why. She tossed her hair (because she's older) and told me they're not really people. I told her of course they are; if you touch them, they have skin. If you call their name, they answer. If you ask them how they feel, they say "Good" or "Thirsty" or "Itchy" or "Ready to serve, your Imperialness!". If they have feelings, it means they're people, right?  

Nanat was horrified that I spoke to the servant people.  She couldn't believe I actually knew their names at all. She calls them "ants". She says I'm forbidden to speak to them and become "familiar with the common blood", and then she ran and told Papa and the magistrate and the minister of my "sins". She called them "sins".
I wasn't called to their chambers, which I think means Papa wasn't angry. But Nan Suri scolded me before I lay down to sleep that night.

---

I asked my tutor if people of the court needed daggers. She asked me why we would need them. I admitted I didn't know. She told me we were safe from danger, and that it was ridiculous that I needed to worry about carrying a dagger.

But I know Papa carries one and the magistrate carries one and the minister carries one and every one of my sisters carry one, and Kurza and Darian and all my brothers train using all kinds of knives and swords.

There's something I need my dagger for. I just don't know what.

---

Rezura started talking today. Well, she can't really talk—she's still too young. But she started saying my name.

I think the magistrate had the trainers teach her to use my fake name. She keeps trying to call me "Nil-ah", like "Anil-at". Every time she does this, I tap her nose and smile at her and say, "No, my name's Banu."

"Nil-ah," she yawns passed her milk teeth.

"Banu," I repeat.

She's really feisty. When we play, Rezura uses her sharp little claws and pins them into my skin. She's not supposed to do this. She's not supposed to hurt me or break my skin, but I laugh and I shake the pain away. "Claws," I tell her, pointing at her paws.  "Clahs," she repeats, tapping a paw on my hand. I laugh.

Her silver coat is turning gold. I'm disappointed. I wanted Rezura to remain special. But then I thought about it, and I realized she's the most special leopard I've ever seen.

"Rezura," I tell her, rubbing her fur as her eyes start to get heavy.

"Banu," she calls me, before drifting off into cub-sleep.

I sneak passed my escort to a nearby fountain and wipe the blood off my arms. I don't want Rezura to be punished for drawing my blood. I hide my scars underneath my veil. They'll heal by nightfall.

---

I touched Kurza today.

It happened after Kurza broke his arm. I saw it happen. I was on the top floor of the palace, where my History classroom is. I wasn't paying attention. I was looking out the window, watching my brothers and the noblemen's sons and all the palace boys train and wrestle and swing their swords. Then I heard a scream and saw Kurza fall. He was fighting Inun, a noble's son, who has chestnut hair and pale skin and a mean personality. I don't like Inun, and Kurza doesn't like him either. I think Inun hates us, but I almost never see him.

Inun held a big stick. I think they call them "staves". I was way up high, but I could see a snarl on his face.

Kurza bared his fangs. I could see them because his teeth are really white. "Rotten mountain bastard!" He roared. The classroom fell silent and even the boys on the courtyard stopped what they were doing to watch. Kurza stood up from the ground and picked up his sword with his good hand. He held his right arm in a really weird way.
Inun pulled a dagger from his belt. He charged at Kurza. Kurza pounced, still roaring like a bear, and swung his sword this way, that way, and this way again. Inun fell to the ground, yelping, holding his shoulder, which was bleeding a lot. Kurza fell on top of him, and sliced the sword across Inun's throat.

There was blood everywhere.  Inun's eyes got wide, and his head rolled weirdly to the side. Kurza was still shouting "bastard" over and over again, but my tutor yanked me from the window, saying this was not for "children's eyes".

I don't know why I couldn't watch. I think Inun deserved that, after what he did to my brother. I went to see Kurza later that night. His arm was in something called a "sling", and he was really quiet and didn't want to talk about the fight. Instead, I played cards with him while he smoked from a pipe he stole from the grand master.

He looked scared. I don't know why; a lot of children get killed in court, whether they have an accident or they're killed by other children. What Kurza did wasn't so bad. At least I don't think it was so bad. But he was still quiet.

I reached for him and hugged him. He was really stiff, but after a moment, he hugged me back with his good arm.  He still smelled like smoke and cigars, and he was really, really warm. I wonder if all boys are warm like that.

We hugged for a long time. Then we started playing card games again, and I beat him, three times out of four. He laughed for the first time that night. Smoke poured out of his mouth when he laughed.

---

Kurza is gone.

All the boys are gone.

They left last night while we slept. In the morning, there were no boys in the courtyards, no boys shouting and screaming from their chambers. I ran to find Kurza and he was nowhere to be seen.

I asked Nanat where all the boys gone. She wondered why I was worried about them. I said because I loved the boys. She called me "whore".

I went to ask Nan Suri what happened to the boys. She explained.

"The youthful boys are growing into boars," She told me as I sat in her lap, clutching the Papa's ruby in my hands and crying into her tunic, "What Kurza demonstrated with the murder of Inun is that their rage is starting to grow. When young boys have rage, they kill each other and everyone around them."

"Why?" I asked, my eyes still wet with sadness and anger, "Why do they have rage? What makes them so angry?"

"It is how boars are made," Nan Suri said, "They have anger, they have rage, and they get mad at other males besides themselves. It is how it's been, and how it shall be for the Aslaeni boars."

"But where did they go?" I asked again, the millionth time I asked, the tears returning, "Where's Kurza? Where did they take him?"

"They have gone off to the Borderlands," she said in that mystical way she has, "Where there are battles to be fought between monsters and the Mountain Men. It is there where every male goes to learn how to control and use their rage. Your Papa spent time at the Borderlands as a youth. It is where every male learns to become a warrior, to uphold the heritage of the Aslaeni boar."

"When will they return?" I was full of hope.

Nan Suri shook her head. "The youth remain there for many years," she said sadly, "You will be a woman before they return to court. And besides, not every male survives the skirmishes in the Borderlands. Some are simply too…"

My eyes were wide and wet and fearful as I waited for her to finish. She only shook her head again.

"I would suggest you forget about Kurza. It will save you much pain."

~.~.~