Corrupted File
I have been working on a portait of Ranni the Witch for the past week or so, in the same style as my previous Gwynevere portair. Well, unfortunately the file became corrupted last night 😭😭
Has something like this ever happened to y'all? I've had a few corrupted pieces before, but its always sucks when it happens, especially if its a passion project 😔 I think I can salvage the artwork, but its still gonna be quite a few hours of work to recover. Hnnnndndndjdndjdndnd /flail
Commission Status
OPEN
Hey DeviantArt!
TL;DR: I am making a tentative comeback, with some updates on how I’m doing in life and what my goals are!
LV:
SO. I’ve been on DeviantArt for years, and this is the first journal I’ve made in quite a while. I hope you all have been well, and thank you all so much for continuing to stick around!
For those who’ve been here for the longest time, you’ll definitely know how I’ve always had a habit of shoddy activity. I would be active for a few months at most, then there would be countless reasons as to why I’d suddenly disappear for years at a time. This pattern is embarrassing for me to admit, because my spotty activity is a main reason as to why my own presence as an artist never really took off the way I always wanted it to. Being a commercial artist takes a level of consistency that I never showed my artwork, and my demonstrable lack of consistency always embarrassed me to the point where I would further avoid the hobby altogether.
Of course, looking back, I was being hard on myself. My teens and early twenties were filled with all kinds of hardships, from homelessness to going to school while working full time. I was stressed in a way that would never have been possible to be a full time artist.
I think, for the first time, I’m in a stable position to really focus on my artwork. To update you all, I actually moved cross-country a year ago today! I won’t say where specifically, although it’s definitely a welcome change of scenery (and the lack of snow is excellent yiss yiss). Of course moving states was its own huge effort, but I am now all settled in a permanent address, stable job, and living quarters for my horse!
Looking back, my last journal (are these still called journals?) talked at length about my struggle with anxiety and depression. Highkey I forgot I wrote that lmfao. It was definitely something I struggled with though, however I’ve since found a regimen that works well for my needs, and I’ve been a lot more stable and happy!
The plan now is to really sit down and focus on my online artist presence. It was a sphere I intentionally neglected, knowing just how much focus and effort it would take to get my projects going at a steady pace that won’t burn me out and disappoint me further. The first step is to reclaim some of my old accounts. I’ve been steadily posting my artwork in other places, which may be confusing and frustrating for some of my oldest watchers; and for that I apologize! I will be dumping a lot of my more recent artwork here in the coming days.
Another thing I gotta reconcile with is my fetish and 18+ artwork. You may remember that I started another account ( :fumebe: )where I began (and stopped lol) moving my vore artwork. To be frank, it was difficult to show my extended relatives my gallery without being super selective with which picture I wanted to show them 
I also realized that it was a good idea in general to separate my galleries for my audiences. I will be continuing to do so, so if you’re interested in that sort of content, I recommend heading over there!
(THERE IS ALSO ALTERNATE VERSION OF THIS POST THAT CAN BE FOUND
)
I will be working on creating a Twitch channel to also stream some of my projects as I work! I have a lot of ideas and stories to tell, and I really want to try and make an effort to make them happen!
If you read all this, thank you very much! It feels good to upload again c:
Some Explanation
Hello there again! It goes without saying that it’s been some time since I’ve been active at all on the internet, and those of you who’ve been following me for some years now probably aren’t surprised by this I’m in a position now where I can freely talk to you all about that troubling pattern, starting with this latest disappearing act I pulled:
The most immediate issue that I had was with my computer, which is a custom-built PC with parts that I picked from a pre-made list on pcpartpicker.com. As someone who had never really had much interaction with anything hardware related that ventured past memory or basic harddrives, this was intimidating but exciting, and my brother helped me put the rig together through Skype when the parts came in.
Everything ran smoothly until about March of this year, when I started experiencing random reboots. There was no warning or bluescreen; it would just act as though the power would fail and then work again immediately, which was supported by the bluescreen reports I looked for. It was frustrating and hard to diagnose since they were sporadic and difficult to recreate. My computer would work fine for weeks, then suddenly reboot on me, and from then it would reboot with increasing frequency until I couldn’t even leave POST without losing power. Then I would leave the computer alone for about a week, return to it, and everything would run smoothly for another few weeks before the cycle would start again. Taking out hardware didn’t help, and after getting my PSU checked (it worked fine) I ended up having my MOBO sent in for repairs, which didn’t fix the problem. I ended up getting a newer PSU anyway with a higher wattage, and that seems to be doing the trick for now (it’s been almost two months since then and I haven't had a reboot, so I’m crossing my fingers!) I lost at least two .PSD files during this time, both of them commissioned works and both of them becoming corrupted when the system rebooted during a save, so there was a good few months where I was extremely hesitant to work on commissioned work in fear of losing all my progress.
This whole computer fiasco fed into another issue I’ve been unknowingly dealing with for years, which also caused my frequent hiatuses: this year I’ve been becoming more aware of a growing problem with anxiety and depression. I’d never really considered it thus, especially when I was younger, but in hindsight my behavior makes sense as being symptomatic of anxiety especially when my situation back then is considered (i.e. that period of homelessness some years back). It came to a head during the last 10 months or so, when I started having legit panic attacks and heart palpitations over trivial issues (or frequently no issue at all, which is super frustrating to sit there and panic when analytically you’re positive there’s absolutely nothing wrong). Having a computer that I put together inexplicably fail on me so frequently served to put me into an anxious, self depreciating state once more, probably a lot more powerfully than before, which prompted me to go seek some professional help.
It’s always been a struggle knowing how often I let my clients down when it comes to a pastime I literally can’t live without. I’ve been drawing since I had the motor-skills necessary to hold a pen, and my childhood was filled with doodles and drawings because I couldn’t stand any moment I wasn’t actually drawing. To grow up and suddenly turn into an adult who went actual months without something was I still itching to do, yet couldn’t bring myself to actually engage in, was confusing and endlessly frustrating. I always considered myself lazy and unmotivated even though I had (and still have) so many passionate ideas and goals that I couldn’t get myself to even start. They would just sit there in my head untouched, or in my files unfinished. There would be no way I could make this into a career with this kind of work ethic. It left me feeling like a failure, especially when I considered the unfinished work that I owed all of my clients.
It never occurred to me before that this would be a symptom of manic-depression, or that it could’ve been anything other than laziness on my part. It wasn’t until I started having physical manifestations of anxiety that I started thinking about doing something different--something that wasn’t endlessly berating myself for being lazy, or throwing myself into dozens of projects that never fully panned out. I’ve seen some of my immediate family go through truly troubling episodes of anxiety and depression, and it was hard for me to admit that I could have anything resembling that--but I reasoned with myself that I should seek some professional advice before it got that bad in the first place.
That’s currently where I am now. For the past few months or so I’ve been engaging in counselling services and we’ve started discussing the possibility of medication. I won’t go into the gritty details, but it’s already proven to be an immeasurable help to have a third-party perspective on my life, behaviors, and interactions. Having some kind of scope to my life other than endless self-abuse leaves me hopeful that I can turn my habits around into something much more enjoyable and much more productive.
This seems like a lot of TMI and an excuse for my disappearances, but I feel as though all of you deserve an explanation at the very least. And, as always, a huge resounding THANK YOU to everyone who watches me and continues to watch me to this day. I really do appreciate your support on every front, and I hope I can grow into someone who fully deserves it! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH
New Account!
)I have a new account:
! This is where the bulk of my fetish work will go now! Many Felaryan-themed works will sooner or later migrate over there, and I'll have a more X-rated range of work to be explored in that gallery! Go ahead and take a peak if you'd like C:Besides, there's also a CONTEST going on over there! If you're interested, hop-to! Don't delay!
ALSO REMEMBER: There is a kiriban coming up at 66,666! Keep an eye out!